Masquerades

I was listening to a music by Unni Wilhelsem and the lyrics struck a deep cord  with me:

Yes, all that you’ve give me, I know/ But all you’ve cost me, you know/ Sums up to nothing much you know, /nothing much at all/ To live from, anyway Hardly to survive/So I won’t come near you again/ You can bet your life I can’t come that close again/ I won’t go near you, I don’t think I even want to see you/Sorry for not being what you needed/ For not possessing what you  think you want/ Don’t know about anyone who does By the way,/ is that why you’re still you? /Still within yourself/ While I am someone else/`Cause the past is stronger than my will to forgive /Why did you need my hand, my hand that night? /What did you mess up my systems for /If you really know me so well/ Tell me which part I loved/ And which one I hate the most?/ Did it get you ready for later/ Did the others fade out, like me?

Something I’ve once said before, that seems fitting to all that surrounds me and made me do some self-inventory: The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are, who you really are. You trade your reality for a role, your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel and in exchange you put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until it’s a personal revolution, on a personal level. It’s got to happen inside first. You can take anyone’s political or personal freedom and you can’t hurt them… unless, you take away their freedom to feel. That can destroy a person. That kind of freedom can not be granted. No one can win it for you. That’s what real love amounts to: Letting a person be who he/she really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending or what you may call performing (trying to impress).  That is why you go on these endless dates! You get the chance to love your pretense.  Admit it, we are all locked in an image, an act and the sad thing is, others get so used to their image; they grow attached to their masks. We love our chains. We forget all about who we really are… and if you try to remind us, we hate you for it, we feel like your trying to steal our most precious possession.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. Why you think we pay exorbitant amounts of money on image or PR? Why do you think our societies have become “image conscious”?

Relationship-wise, people talk about how great love is, and most times it may be true, others are false. Love hurts, feelings are disturbing.

I am at that place that a ghost from my past came to haunt me again and I hate it. I hate it when people can be so clueless and never be able to put themselves in someone else´s shoes. How do you ever go back from all that pain someone caused, breaking your heart and trust after you gave them your soul? How can one “undo”? Never! How can you even really forgive when the person has not looked you in the eye and asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness for me is DOING. It is ACTION. Why do I have to send a memo WHEN they need to apologize? This ghost of mine, is in this vicious pattern of hurting me and doing the same things. That is not being “Sorry”. It is insincere and false! If you are sorry, then SHOW ME! If I am the one you want, then PROVE IT! Why sit there and “hope” forgiveness and regaining someone´s trust will just fall on your lap? You caused it, then fix it! I am tired of people “telling” me they “care” and yet they turn around and manage to “act” recklessly. How can someone say you are the one they want and yet manage to insult you with getting another whom you know is less “qualified” in that department. I am tired of circles. I am tired of ghosts. I am tired of bullshit. I am tired of lies. I am tired of people throwing “I like you” ,”I care about you”, “I love you”, “I need you”, “I want you” carelessly! Ok, that is enough ranting for the day.

The point is, society taught us that pain is evil and dangerous. How can one deal with love if they are afraid to feel? (That is this ghost´s problem)

Pain is meant to wake us up.

My ghost seems to still be sleeping. I don´t know why they wait so long and ACT on working towards healing and forgiveness. Don´t they realize that there comes a time when it is too late? My hunch is that they are just like anyone who don´t put value on their own words and therefore hurt the people around them because they are shallow. 

Others try to hide their pain (like me), but it is wrong. Pain is something to carry, a part of life. We feel our strength in the experience of pain; it’s all in how we carry it. Believe me, I am learning everyday. That’s what matters (at least from all the people I have observed, who are my heroes tell me this). Pain is a feeling, feeling is a part of us… our own reality. If we feel ashamed of them and hide them, we’re letting society destroy our reality. Don’t do it, we need to stand strong. I am not ashamed of mine anymore. My pain has become my driving force to move forward. I would like to think that I have used it as fuel for productivity and positive motion.

My greatest fear is to be just another statistic (besides mediocrity). Sometimes I still put my mask when needed, but most times, I keep my role, exchange my acts and find my own revolution that creates only the best. It is what keeps me evolving everyday.

Godspeed for the length of our journey…

The Great Gatsby

Fitzgerald´s The Great Gatsby will always be a lifelong favorite book for me. Mainly, due to the premise of how a man returned with so much material wealth to show the woman he loved what she wanted. But of course the twist in the plot was that she got married to a wealthy conniving man (which is the main reason she broke up with the love of her life). The entire thing ends up in tragedy because the woman gets killed and Gatsby, our hero was framed. Whether we like it or not, it reflects our past and current societies even if we try to slam dunk that with the advent of independent women who can earn and pay their expenses. Taking out that peel though, we know many women will want a woman who can amass more wealth and power than they do. I went through something like that from my former ex-fiancé and her family. The difference is that I have no desire to go back like Gatsby. But I am preparing myself for the fiancé that is coming my way.

My mission in life when it comes to the next woman who comes along and decides to choose to spend the rest of her life with me: TO AMASS SO MUCH WEALTH THAT SHE AND MY CHILDREN AND FUTURE CHILDREN WILL NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING. Of course, I am not saying that is the ONLY thing required, she will get unconditional love from me, but I want to give her a freedom and life where we don´t have to worry about anything…and of course, crazy enough where I can retire at 40 yrs old if I want to (which may be a problem because I am such a workaholic and love the international scope of my work).

But bottom line, my desire can be in a snapshot such as this:

I sit on MY beach (yes, in my own island) with my mobile phone having a short meeting with my company board running my companies sipping Mai tais while I lovingly look and wave at my naked wife and kids playing in the water.

Very simple. Very achievable. Very reachable.

I am almost there.

All missing is my dream woman.

Journey

Something I’ve once said before, that seems fitting to all that surrounds me…

The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are, who you really are… You trade your reality for a role, your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel and in exchange you put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until it’s a personal revolution, on a personal level. It’s got to happen inside first. You can take anyone’s political or personal freedom and you can’t hurt them… unless, you take away their freedom to feel. That can destroy a person. That kind of freedom can nit be granted. No one can win it for you.

That’s what real love amounts to, letting a person be who he/she really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending or what you may call performing (trying to impress). You get the chance to love your pretense… It’s true, we are all locked in an image, an act and the sad thing is, others get so used to their image; they grow attached to their masks. We love our chains. We forget all about who we really are… and if you try to remind us, we hate you for it, we feel like your trying to steal our most precious possession.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, and most times it my be true, others are false. Love hurts, feelings are disturbing. Society is taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can one deal with love if they are afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. Others try to hide their pain, but their wrong. Pain is something to carry, like an old school radio (strangely put but true). You feel your strength in the experience of pain; it’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling, feelings are a part of you… your own reality. If we feel ashamed of them and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. Don’t do it, stand strong. My greatest fear is to be just another statistic. I say, keep your role, exchange your act and find that revolution that creates only the best.

God speed for the length of our journey…

MJ 2.0 Unleashed!

I guess it´s time to graduate from MySpace and grow up a bit. It is nice to have a dedicated blog to where I can be much more “professional” at the same time be myself.This year, I decided to reinvent myself. I am excited of what journey 2008 has in store for me. I believe that it is my launch year in so many aspects.So for my mantra this year which will also become the company´s: THINK BIG, DO BIG and DO IT WELL! I have purged and emptied every vessel in my life since 2005 that a definite outpouring is inevitable this year. I am ready to receive life´s blessings!My company is now completing its process of reorganizing its business model and structure. Going global is harder than I had thought. It´s all different when you imagined or envision than when you actually put it on paper and into action. On the other hand, I do think I got the THINK BIG part of the mantra. DO BIG is now the next step and I know we will DO IT WELL! I have formed a great team. Great potential. So watch out! But basically, I want to reflect my own values and principles in this company to walk the talk. I believe that if we got the foundations in the right principles and values, our growth will be steady and our clients will feel at home with us because we will be sincere in all our efforts, since we live and breathe it as well.I am excited about this blog. It has so much ranting possibilities about everything.So, let´s see where this ride takes us…here we go!