Global Fusionist Motivational #1

I thought I would add another segment called Global Fusionist Motivational as short notes of wisdom I wish to impart to everyone. I encounter so many people who feed their minds with jealousy and envy that it thwarts their own progress. With all the hype and negativity the world throws at us, I shall start preaching, as I practice it in my own life, radical honesty.

Most disputes and disagreement could be resolved quickly and easily if only WE take the time to LEARN to COMMUNICATE WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING well. We MUST repudiate unnecessary ambiguous gullability and lethargic convictions. Simply, say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not say more than you mean or mean less than what you say. Pay attention on how you use your skills.

Make the most of your skills and your talents. Think about this: People who usually take their time to tear your down directly or indirectly are doing so because they only dream of being able to do the things you can. It is perfectly OK to play to your strengths rather than always concentrating on developing your weaknesses. NAYSAYERS are not stumbling blocks but stepping stones. Use  and build these stones they throw at you as a sturdy leveled strip of smooth ground runway as you propel yourself FORWARD. LIVE a little today. BE DARING. Whenever urge comes to perform and whatever your habit is, REBEL against it gloriously. DO NOT SUCCUMB to desires and  urges of bad habits and mindset that do not contribute to anyone’s growth, especially to yourself. Enjoy your ability and use it to help others too. You will be surprise when you make that choice to BE THE CHANGE.

Apologies for Dummies

Many relationships fail simply because people lack the skills of relating.  

These days people seem to not  know how to properly apologize. Does it take a degree to do so? I don´t think so, but I do think we have a generation who take people and their feelings for granted. This is very close to me as recently I have an Ex whom on numerous occasion seem to  hurt me all the time and not understand why I don´t believe them. Since until now they are clueless, let me write Apology 101.

Is Apology really an Art?

Let’s face it. Most of us don´t know how to apologize. We compensate for our lack of knowledge and skill by making feeble attempts which rarely work. Some people rely on their good looks while others bat pathetic puppy dog eyes to get them out of scrapes.

If we want to improve and have depth in our relationships, it’s time to learn the art of apology. So here is my take since this is a very personal pet peeve.

There are two reasons people apologize. First, people usually apologize to make themselves feel better. This type of apology requires little skill outside of being willing to admit that you made a mistake. The second type of apology relays a genuine concern for the other persons feelings and well being. Guilt is relieved only when your apology is genuine and based on empathy for the injured person. This type of apology heals relationships and creates genuine bonds. 

The “Feel Good” Apology

If you are apologizing to relieve your guilt, and hopefully get someone off your back, stop before you open your mouth. Relieve your guilt through talking to a good friend, therapist or priest. Tell someone who really cares about you. Don’t bother telling the person you have injured. You only make things worse! 

Why? Because the person you injured doesn’t really care why you did something. They don’t want to hear that “kids are so mean” or “I was completely lost”. By laying out all of the reasons, and defenses, for why you injured them, you are subtly saying that it’s not your fault and that the other person should take care of you by telling you that “you’re OK”. You belittle them and humiliate yourself this way.

Here ´s some REAL Apologies to help illustrate what a “feel good” apology sounds like and what not to do: 

“I am sorry I molested you. I was drinking a lot then.”

- Most alcholics do not molest their children.

 

“I realize that I was a really bad father/mother. It’s not like you came with a book.”

- There are thousands of parenting books.Amazon.com lists 3,484 + titles.

 

“I realize that I was really cruel to you when we were kids. You know how kids are!”

- Bullies act like bullies. Period

 

“I am sorry I lied to you. I lie to everyone.”

- If someone lies to everyone they can’t really say they are sorry.

 

“I am sorry you found out about my affair. I didn’t intend for you to find out.”

- So it’s Ok to have an affair as long as the other person doesn’t find out?

 

“I am sorry but since we have not been together for 2 years why can we not be friends while I keep the other people (I cheated or hurt you with while we were engaged as a couple) as friends as well? But I really value and respect you the most.”

- So, you respect me so much that you want to continue reminding me why we failed in our relationship?

 

Each of these “feel good” apologies were said to relieve the guilt of the person apologizing. There is no consideration for the feelings of the injured person. If you find yourself in the middle of one of these apologies, shut up! Take a breath and start over. 

Humans do MAKE mistakes

Human beings make mistakes. Sure! It’s impossible not to make a mistake. Most people struggle to be present in their lives, let alone stay aware of every one else’s feelings at any given moment. In order to make a real apology, we must come to grips with the fact that we make mistakes. If you would like to have long term relationships, you must learnto make real apologies. THAT is a requirement!

REAL APOLOGIES 

The major difference between a “feel good” apology and a real apology is that a real apology begins and ends with the person you have injured where as the “feel good” apology is about the person who made the mistake.

My Ex seems to not understand this concept. I also do not like it when people apologize and expect forgiveness right away, without having to show for. If they want to be forgiven, then be truly sorry, leave the baggages at the garbage disposal. Don´t dangle everything that reminds me why you hurt me. Otherwise, you are not sorry!

So for the Clueless like my Ex and people who have this nasty habit, here are  four steps to making a real apology:

1. Acknowledge the injury.

It’s important to start by acknowledging that you have injured someone. A simple, “I know that I hurt your feelings”, can make a world of difference. Don´t just drop, “I am sorry.”  Do you understand what you are saying at all? Mean what you say and say what you mean.

2. Ask the injured what it was like for them.

It’s important to understand in what way your mistake injured the other person. People are very different. The same mistake can injure people in a wide variety of ways. Taking the time to understand the manner in which you injured someone else increases empathy in your relationship. Ask what hurt.

Nothing is more frustrating than being told how you were hurt by someone who gets it wrong! Repeat back what you heard to make sure you did not miss anything. Open your  ears and heart to hear the actual injury.

3. Apologize for the injury.

Be specific. Make sure to include all the ways that you injured the other person. A real apology might sound like: “I am sorry that I hurt your feelings and you felt stupid by ignoring you at dinner”.

FYI: Every real apology  includes “I am sorry” for “specific injury” at “specific time”.

4. Ask the injured how you can make it better.

When we feel guilty we often desperately want to repair the relationship.

In our anxiety and fear of losing the relationship, we make up ways to repair the relationship. Stop working so hard. Ask the injured what you can do to regain their trust. Most people have a clear idea of what you can do to repair the relationship. Ask them and then DO IT.

In this case, I have told my Ex what needs to be done, but instead they argued with me about it and refused. So, NOW I know, they are not truly Sorry. It was just a “feel good” but really cut short of the real apology. I am still hurting, but I don´t think I can have them around my life. So I opted to cut them completely out. Time will be my friend.

I know and believe that Apologies are the spine of all relationships. It is this fundamental truth that many people fail to do that has broken up many relationships. Few people know how to do it…and therefore few have succeeded in their relationships. 

Imagine if we all practice this with sincerity and honesty. Imagine what type of world we would be living in now.

Masquerades

I was listening to a music by Unni Wilhelsem and the lyrics struck a deep cord  with me:

Yes, all that you’ve give me, I know/ But all you’ve cost me, you know/ Sums up to nothing much you know, /nothing much at all/ To live from, anyway Hardly to survive/So I won’t come near you again/ You can bet your life I can’t come that close again/ I won’t go near you, I don’t think I even want to see you/Sorry for not being what you needed/ For not possessing what you  think you want/ Don’t know about anyone who does By the way,/ is that why you’re still you? /Still within yourself/ While I am someone else/`Cause the past is stronger than my will to forgive /Why did you need my hand, my hand that night? /What did you mess up my systems for /If you really know me so well/ Tell me which part I loved/ And which one I hate the most?/ Did it get you ready for later/ Did the others fade out, like me?

Something I’ve once said before, that seems fitting to all that surrounds me and made me do some self-inventory: The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are, who you really are. You trade your reality for a role, your sense for an act. You give up your ability to feel and in exchange you put on a mask. There can’t be any large-scale revolution until it’s a personal revolution, on a personal level. It’s got to happen inside first. You can take anyone’s political or personal freedom and you can’t hurt them… unless, you take away their freedom to feel. That can destroy a person. That kind of freedom can not be granted. No one can win it for you. That’s what real love amounts to: Letting a person be who he/she really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending or what you may call performing (trying to impress).  That is why you go on these endless dates! You get the chance to love your pretense.  Admit it, we are all locked in an image, an act and the sad thing is, others get so used to their image; they grow attached to their masks. We love our chains. We forget all about who we really are… and if you try to remind us, we hate you for it, we feel like your trying to steal our most precious possession.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. Why you think we pay exorbitant amounts of money on image or PR? Why do you think our societies have become “image conscious”?

Relationship-wise, people talk about how great love is, and most times it may be true, others are false. Love hurts, feelings are disturbing.

I am at that place that a ghost from my past came to haunt me again and I hate it. I hate it when people can be so clueless and never be able to put themselves in someone else´s shoes. How do you ever go back from all that pain someone caused, breaking your heart and trust after you gave them your soul? How can one “undo”? Never! How can you even really forgive when the person has not looked you in the eye and asked for forgiveness. Forgiveness for me is DOING. It is ACTION. Why do I have to send a memo WHEN they need to apologize? This ghost of mine, is in this vicious pattern of hurting me and doing the same things. That is not being “Sorry”. It is insincere and false! If you are sorry, then SHOW ME! If I am the one you want, then PROVE IT! Why sit there and “hope” forgiveness and regaining someone´s trust will just fall on your lap? You caused it, then fix it! I am tired of people “telling” me they “care” and yet they turn around and manage to “act” recklessly. How can someone say you are the one they want and yet manage to insult you with getting another whom you know is less “qualified” in that department. I am tired of circles. I am tired of ghosts. I am tired of bullshit. I am tired of lies. I am tired of people throwing “I like you” ,”I care about you”, “I love you”, “I need you”, “I want you” carelessly! Ok, that is enough ranting for the day.

The point is, society taught us that pain is evil and dangerous. How can one deal with love if they are afraid to feel? (That is this ghost´s problem)

Pain is meant to wake us up.

My ghost seems to still be sleeping. I don´t know why they wait so long and ACT on working towards healing and forgiveness. Don´t they realize that there comes a time when it is too late? My hunch is that they are just like anyone who don´t put value on their own words and therefore hurt the people around them because they are shallow. 

Others try to hide their pain (like me), but it is wrong. Pain is something to carry, a part of life. We feel our strength in the experience of pain; it’s all in how we carry it. Believe me, I am learning everyday. That’s what matters (at least from all the people I have observed, who are my heroes tell me this). Pain is a feeling, feeling is a part of us… our own reality. If we feel ashamed of them and hide them, we’re letting society destroy our reality. Don’t do it, we need to stand strong. I am not ashamed of mine anymore. My pain has become my driving force to move forward. I would like to think that I have used it as fuel for productivity and positive motion.

My greatest fear is to be just another statistic (besides mediocrity). Sometimes I still put my mask when needed, but most times, I keep my role, exchange my acts and find my own revolution that creates only the best. It is what keeps me evolving everyday.

Godspeed for the length of our journey…

MJ 2.0 Unleashed!

I guess it´s time to graduate from MySpace and grow up a bit. It is nice to have a dedicated blog to where I can be much more “professional” at the same time be myself.This year, I decided to reinvent myself. I am excited of what journey 2008 has in store for me. I believe that it is my launch year in so many aspects.So for my mantra this year which will also become the company´s: THINK BIG, DO BIG and DO IT WELL! I have purged and emptied every vessel in my life since 2005 that a definite outpouring is inevitable this year. I am ready to receive life´s blessings!My company is now completing its process of reorganizing its business model and structure. Going global is harder than I had thought. It´s all different when you imagined or envision than when you actually put it on paper and into action. On the other hand, I do think I got the THINK BIG part of the mantra. DO BIG is now the next step and I know we will DO IT WELL! I have formed a great team. Great potential. So watch out! But basically, I want to reflect my own values and principles in this company to walk the talk. I believe that if we got the foundations in the right principles and values, our growth will be steady and our clients will feel at home with us because we will be sincere in all our efforts, since we live and breathe it as well.I am excited about this blog. It has so much ranting possibilities about everything.So, let´s see where this ride takes us…here we go!