Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The following is a letter released today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:

Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. We believe that if this continues, the effects will be felt around every town, city and Wal-Mart around the world. On that note, we are extremely relieved to know that they are targeting the wrong people, and do not really know what they want to achieve, while the police arrest the protesters and leaving the bankers at large. Business as usual at Wall Street.

And thus, we have asked ourselves this question:

How can we make money off them?

The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down.

The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.

It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say “Let them eat cake.” But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.

Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, “Occupy this.” We haven’t felt so good about something we’ve sold since our souls.

Sincerely,

Lloyd Blankfein

Chairman, Goldman Sachs

On the eighth day God created coffee. Decaffeinated coffee is the Devil’s blend.

THE COFFEE PRAYER:

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping Sheeple masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of waking consciousness so I can function in this Earth realm for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of slight addiction,
I will fear no cream or sugar:
For thou art with me; thy freshly ground roasted beans they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of ALL Coffee Houses:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the House of Black Coffee, Cappuccinos and Mochas forever.

******
DISCLAIMER:

Behind every successful strategy by MJ Santos against the Dark Ones … is a substantial amount of coffee from Colombia and Ethiopia.

Hello, Thank you for calling the Global Mental Health Hotline for Humanity. Please pay attention to the following options:

Welcome to the Global Mental Health Hotline

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1, repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, bank account numbers, passport numbers, driver’s license and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try to call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.