Posts Tagged ‘dysfunction’

Hello, Thank you for calling the Global Mental Health Hotline for Humanity. Please pay attention to the following options:

Welcome to the Global Mental Health Hotline

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1, repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, bank account numbers, passport numbers, driver’s license and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try to call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

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